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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Why Nobody Watches Tucker Carlson: Reason #9,675

Because he's a world-class beatoff.

Tonight Tucker advanced the argument that Islamic clerics should be protesting against terrorists by booting them from the faith.

Before going any further with his career as a shill for the religious right, he might want to familiarize himself with exactly what it is that Christian fundamentalism believes in. Specifically he should take a look at John 3:16, which in addition to being the sandwich board of choice for street corner nutjobs everywhere is also the heart of the Christian gospels:
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
Dig it, Tucker: it doesn't matter what kind of heinous ass-raping, fratricidal racist thug you are, if you profess faith in Jesus Christ your name is already on the guest list at the pearly gates, and there it will stay, no matter what you do in this life. That is why Preznit Never Responsible can do enough blow to deviate the septum of a rhinoceros and still be beloved by Christo Fascists everywhere.

Even I would not think to ask the likes of Jerry Fallwell and James Dobson to kick abortion clinic bombers from the fold, not only because it would serve to further politicize religious leaders but because it just isn't part of their faith. But before Tucker gets around to dictating religious decorum to the Muslim world, maybe he ought to call on the Focus on the Family crowd to issue a press release saying Eric Rudolph is going to hell.