Sunday, February 13, 2005
Media Girl is holding a contest for blogs who write with a feminist perspective on Valentines Day. This is my contribution to the effort:
Valentine's Day always seems guaranteed to disappoint. The grand bouquet of roses are NEVER from the guy you want, indulgence in that box of chocolates has an attendant pricetag of self-loathing, and the grand poobah of Valentine's gifts -- the DeBeers diamond -- comes courtesy of a company founded by a man who colonized much of Africa based on notions of white racial supremacy. The whole holiday has definitely got some insidious totemic problems, not to mention the not-so-subtle message that if you are not on the receiving end of these things you are somehow valueless.
So this year, Kobe (pictured above) is my Valentine. Why, you ask? Well, for starters, here is a list of things I will not have to overlook in order to stay in a relationship with him:
1. He will not present me with a box of chocolates as a gift after I have announced I am on Atkins
2. He will not download tons of porn onto my computer then think I won't find out if he empties the cache
3. He won’t show up for a date with a box of Viagra and leave it out in the bathroom
4. He will not sleep through my party -- in my bed
5. He will not call his mother to come fix his broken car
6. He will never make me listen to the Dave Matthews Band
7. He will not rack up a bunch of parking tickets in my car and never tell me about them
8. He will never make the claim he and his friends are responsible for the newfound popularity of the term “jackass”
9. He's never gonna "wake & bake"
Alas, in their time, all of these things seemed worth it for whatever I was getting out of the relationship, and I thank each of the men responsible for these experiences in my life. But I just want to point out that the totems come with a pricetag, and it can be a hefty one to pay if you're hanging your self-worth on it.
Update 2-17-05:: I won the award for Best Admonishing Advice from Mediagirl for this post. It wasn't really advice -- Kobe does all of the above quite naturally without prompting -- but I'm thrilled about the win & will wear my award with pride.