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Thursday, November 17, 2005

Us vs. Them

As the great Bob Adams once said (and I paraphrase), "A Democratic '2' is a Republican '10,' and that's why they'll always hate us."

The Clenis couldn't have said it any better. It's not just that they're all white, flabby and old -- being young just seems to add to the creepy factor. Witness Jonah Goldberg, Rick Santorum or Ralph Reed (who may not even be young, but we're told the undead don't age).

Case in point: Ken Starr. A pervy blabbermouth who went on a forty million-dollar panty raid, his image will forever be etched on the retina of America's collective unconscious as a professional peeping Tom who hijacked the nineties by dumpster diving for used condoms with Lucianne Goldberg and Linda Tripp. An unrepentant PR disaster, he is the envy of no one but the sexually frustrated and the perennially angry.

Compare that to the Gary Cooper-esque figure cut by Patrick Fitzgerald, whose investigation cost $723,000 in the first fifteen months and whose tight-lipped mien has reduced his Republican opponents to reenacting the final shoot-out scene from the Wild Bunch. (I know he's quite adamant about his political neutrality but like it or not fate has shoved him into the arms of the left, and we feel it's the natural habitat for one with such a well developed superego).

And it appears People Magazine is of the same mind. According to an interview on the Today Show, Fitzgerald has made the list in their Sexiest Man Alive issue:
Katie Couric: "Do you have the thinking woman's sex symbol in there at any point?"

Julie Jordan, People magazine: "Yes. Yeah like we got lots of smart men. Patrick Fitzgerald. I love that he actually is..."

Couric: "The special prosecutor. Oh my gosh he must've been so freaked out when he got the call! He keeps dirty socks at work and apparently has pizza boxes up to the ceiling at his house."
So to all you little Yellow elephants out there huffing insecticide in hopes of perfecting that Tom DeLay wall-eyed glaze, just remember. The money is good, but there is a price tag attached.