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Friday, May 27, 2005

This Week in Dog: The Tragic Brain Death of Britney Spears

The poodles have been quite atwitter this week on the news that poor Britney Spears' boobs have finally exploded and the silicone has made its way to her brain stem.

Lucy (seen above) suspected some encephalopathy (swelling of the brain) when Britney first uttered those fateful words in Farenheit 9/11, "Honestly, I think we should just trust our President." But when details began to emerge that she routinely sent her private jet cross country solely for the purpose of fetching coffee from West Hollywood's Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, Katie argued for damage from cerebral anoxia, due to the fact that she also exhibited all the indicators of Gerstmann's Syndrome -- difficulty in writing (agraphia), difficulty with mathematics (acalculia), distortions of language (aphasia) and the inabililty to perceive objects normally (agnosia). Or, countered Lucy, she might just be really, really stupid.

But with the recent news that Britney has given her dog Lucky away because her new husband Kevin Federline did not like him, Kobe has convinced us all that nothing short of a silicone coating of the brain that prohibited any kind of neural activity whatsoever could possibly account for such symptoms. Katie and Lucy applauded Kobe's bold and comprehensive theory, which is really the only way to explain how anyone with the capacity to chew gum and walk erect would want to be in close extended proximity with a man who was incapable of forging a relationship with a chihuaua.

Once again, their mom wonders at the remarkable compassion of the young bodhisattavas. She herself thinks the dithering princess of pap should be cast into some dysphoric bardo of hell where she is forced to listen to her own music.