This is the Archive site for Firedoglake. To go to the main site please click on the following link

Friday, February 17, 2006

Late Nite FDL: Dickfest Semifinals, Night 2

What an embarassment of riches we have for this the second night of semifinals in Dickfest, our poetry contest in honor of our fearless Veep who crawled out of his bunker and grimmaced for the cameras today. The contest is so popular it has even inspired imitators who could not constrain themselves to the four line limit, so abundant was their creative impulse.

Remember the winner will receive a copy of Bill Maher's latest book New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer and a poster signed by Mr. Maher himself. His series premeires tonight on HBO at 11pm.

Once again, please vote by the number at the bottom of the entry, and vote only once:
Two unsteady hunters sip, step the fields,
stopBlam! a cordite wind…. Says, “Hey, Jeez, watchit!
Don’t you be pullin’ a Cheney, on me now.” (101)

one lawyer, sans face
what to do...? maybe cheney
should have called The Wolf (102)

I think that we shall never see
A Veep who lies as much as Dick Cheney
Likely in a drunken stupor, he shot a friend in the chest
But his claim that it was from 30 yards fails the sportsman's common sense test (103)

Richard "Big Time" Cheney carries a heavy strap
Like Lee Harvey Oswald, he's bustin' caps
He takes fools out gat, scowl or shiv
The naked fuckin' face of the executive. (104)

News from Iraq hits the back burner
Investigations played down, not a big earner
The great state of Texas' proud flag we hail
R C the fuckin' Veep terrorizes quail. (105)

Fitzgerald on the march
Libby loose of tongue
Harry’s heart distraction (106)

"Stumbling from the ranch car into the brush,
Going after pen-raised quail, what a rush.
Then this old geezer jumped up out of no place
And startled my bird, so I shot him in the face." (107)

Down in Texas a Dick was shotgunning for quail.
Told that he couldn't shoot little birds dead
Without legal permit and risking jail,
He bagged his limit of lawyer instead. (108)

The only thing we have to fear is...
BLAM!!! (109)

Big Time Dick was on the prowl for a flock of feeble pen-raised fowl.
He swung his gun into the sun, and shot a geezer who went into a seizure.
They all stayed up late to get the story straight, about who drank what and when.
But it's all for naught, 'cause he's gonna get caught, and maybe do five to ten. (110)

Drunk Cheney locked & drunk Cheney loaded;
H. Whittington’s drooping white face exploded.
George flew the coop when the covey was flushed;
Dick, why? A Bush in your hand is worth two birds in the brush! (111)

Cheney's cell chirped, saying "no more birds, need a permit stamp."
Cheney says "Hell, twirps can't tell me what to do,
Got one more round left, only question is 'where to?'"
Takes a shot, another shot, another, back to camp. (112)

Dirty Dick
Didn't make Harry's day
When Harry met salvo
Down Texas way (113)

An accident it must have been,
And not a planned attack
Because Dick shot him in the face
Instead of in the back. (114)

one small step for man...
one giant...
BLAM!!! (115)

With bloodshot eyes and whiskey breath,
Cheney was on his game.
He shot poor Harry nearly to death.
Jack Daniels can shoot. He can't aim. (116)

Shot through the heart,
and you're to blame, Harry.
Don't give Dick
a bad name. (117)

Sip n' shoot, sip n' shoot, doesn't that feel nice?
Smoke over the meadow, bourbon over the ice.
Drunken death is Dick's delight; this is Cheney's show.
Dick can drink it straight -- but shoot straight? No. (118)

Swiss miss premature
ejaculation gun shot
Call Karl clean up (119)

Bird in grass
Reveals the hunter
And his lies. (120)

It's me on the hunt
Quail flushed;
my sneer turns to grin
Oh shit I shot my friend (121)

Birdie, birdie in the grass
Just take flight -I'll shoot your ass. (122)

Up you go, you sons of bitches.
BAM - shot one lawyer, collapsed in the ditches. (123)

here birdie birdie...
get up you sissy...
and don't bleed in my car (124)

"Yippiety do dah, dippity day
My oh my, what a wonderful day!
Plenty of sunshine heading my way
Dippity do - BAM, Harry hit the hay!" (125)

GEORGE! I finally got one. Heheheh. In the BUSH.
DANg - that ain't a QUAIL.
AL -Qaeda? Won't work - I only got him in the foot. Not ... enough ... GORE.
DICK. Heheheh. I'm Dick fucking CHENEY. (126)

pacemaker, perazzi, defibber,
went down to the ranch to play,
with quail a quiver, poor Harry will niver,
forget that fateful day (127)

face-time with pellet…
(my kingdom for a bird-stamp)
blood-- like picnic beer (128)

See Dick
See Dick Shoot
See Dick Shoot Harry
Don't Be Such A Dick! (129)

He's shot, nuff said - ain't like he's dead.
The law can wait til I'm good and straight,
and the press can wait even longer (130)

Let's not time the timing of the man who pulled the trigger
Not letting people know he'd bagged a lawyer not a quail –
Since bragging by the hunter is accepted, not de rigeur,
And modesty demands delay in telling this great tale. (131)

sound of gunshot rings
shots pepper innocent life
none could save the quail (132)

I pulled the trigger
So I guess it was me
So I’ll take the blame
In the absence of Libby (133)

Dick and Whittington
Sharing fun
"Run Harry run,
Dick’s got a gun!" (134)

Step out SUV
Take drink, raise gun, shoot lawyer
Quail, go f@ck yourself! (135)

...was yer cocktail
after the shot quail
a double Manhattan
“sorry bout where he got shot in” (136)

where there's smoke, there's fire,
where there's one beer, there's a liar (137)

Please be advised
That lawyers may appear
As quail in disguise (138)

how many birds must a bald man kill
before he thinks he's a man
how many Plames must this bald man name,
before Fitz shows him his shame (139)

I shot the shareholder,
but I did not shoot no diplomat (140)

Let us go then, you and I
Where the evening is stretched out against the sky
Like a 78-year-old man blasted in the face with a shot gun wielded by a drunk, arrogrant lying fool (141)

if the shooter is tight, then we must indict!!! (142)

Whose woods are these? I just don't care
I know that there are quail out there
My good friend Harry must think it weird
That I mistook him for a bird (143)

Step out SUV
Take drink, raise gun, shoot lawyer
Quail, go f@ck yourself! (144)

dick peppered poor harry with lead.
now all the media is fed,
with lie after lie and rovian spin,
alas,once more, let their game begin. (145)

Firearms training? I had other priorities
Like mixing myself three Long Island Iced Teas
Before spotting a wingless bird and giving chase
And then shooting my lawyer friend in the face (146)

Hunting for feathers of mass destruction can be frustrating
But you're my friend
I shoot you in the face with my shotgun for nothing (147)

roses are red
violets are blue
my friend's not dead
so fuck you! (148)

peppered with lead
like a rib-eyed steak
fingers crossed when I said
it was my mistake (149)

it was my mistake
i'm sure you will
admit beacause
i shoot to kill (150)

I have the discression
to reveal to you Plame;
but please do not tell me
how to hunt down my game. (151)

Big Time, Packin' Heat.
Big Heat.
Packin' Time. (152)

be it quail, or harry,
or soldiers, or citizens
dick, sit there and ponder
your multiple mega-sins (153)

Heart (154)

There once was a Dick with a gun
went to Texas on a quail run
but when on the hunt he acted the c***
and shot his best mate, just for fun.(155)

swiss miss
mixed with beer
and peppered with harry
is a rotten brew (156)

Oh, Big Time...
How could you?
You hurt the party,
By leaving witnesses. (157)

Let the angry seas surge beneath and pound,
rain-lashed men heaving a wave-stuck net.
Far ashore the coolies toil, weathered under the harpoon's heft,
a trophy for the vice captain's mantle. (158)

Some men fish in the sea,
Where 'Perfect Storms' imperil,
Others drink a beer or three,
And shoot fish in a barrel. (159)

holy crap! see!
you shot he!
now off thee
to corpus cristi. (160)

The lawyers first!, the wise old bard once said.
Just blast away into the face and head!
All real men know that that will do the trick.
So burped the manliest man, our latest Dick. (161)

killing gamebirds in the night
swilling drinks with froth and bite
who the hell would ever figger
soon all would be so,very,very,very bigger (162)

When William Clinton was the president
To get a blow job was a big disgrace.
But times have changed, now it's OK
To shoot a load in some old geezer's face! (163)

As the shotguns ring out
look to this lot;
for it's the heart of a nation
that has been fatally shot. (164)

There once was a man from Wyoming
Who took a pot shot into the gloaming
He winged an attorney, who took a slow journey
Cheney thought he was a pidgeon who was homing. (165)

Paying Taxes naught
We've bought
Idiotic (166)

Old man
Big balls
"But they're blue,
So I'll shoot you" (167)

Rich and old
No grandchild
Desperate, angry,
Poor and wild (168)

Trust us
We'll protect you
Bend over (169)

Get your news from TVs
Vote from your knees
We'll do
What we please (170)

“Bigshot Buckshot” on the spot:
Shooting birds, people, whatever you’ve got
Questions rise; he answers not
Is this a metaphor, or what? (171)

I was off in the bush with fair Pamela, When I turned old Harry to Spamela
We nearly got caught, Now Lynne is distraught
I hope no one brought their camera (172)

The shooting victim’s not to blame,
(His name is not dear Valerie Plame);
He came up behind me and gave a hoot
And I thought the bastard shouted “shoot.” (173)

In legal scandal firmly mired,
Cheney fired.
Approaching the body he was heard to curse,
"Eh. Could be worse." (174)

There once was a Veep named Dick Cheney;
He aimed at a bird's little heine.
He stumbled around, quite snockered but proud
to have bagged who he thought was Ma Rainey. (175)

democracy in its last throes
lining up crosses, row by row
hurling lies, like buckshot, at imagined foes,
this vice president has got to go (176)

With guns a blazin
the events of February 11
cannot compare
to his role in 9/11 (177)

with your gatling gun
and mary matalin run
to the fox news den
home of all your men (178)

The covey rose
as did Dick
His pellets aspray
ruined Harry's day (179)

While sipping on his pint of ale
Dick thought he’d like to shoot a bird
But he bagged Harry, not a quail
When his shot went off, premature (180)

The sheriff at last came a calling
But Dick was busy with his dinner
He dreamt that night of Harry falling
While his story spun into the spinner (181)

The story missed the morning paper
until word came from a lady rancher
this shot was no assault just pepper
y'all see its Harry's own fault, now can't you? (182)

here comes the bird flu
good news for you who
would like us all to
forget your boo-boo (183)

I’m not sorry, no I’m not sorry
I put that old man in his place
I’m not sorry, no I’m not sorry
I shot the country in the face. (184)

As the shotguns ring out
look to this lot;
for it's the heart of a nation
that has been fatally shot. (185)

On the front lines, defending the nation,
Protecting us all, from the quail invasion.
I fired off a shot, my duty, your Honor.
But old Harry forgot, to put on his armor. (186)

Many acres to hunt, but fewer
than one per dead Iraqi;
Many excuses needed, but newer
without a Libby-like lackey. (187)

Harry's face was bloody and raw.
He got a taste of shock and awe.
Faulty intelligence: the shot was clear.
Bin Laden the bird had nothing to fear.(188)

bunker blind dick shot
old man vexed
memo to Scooter:
you're next. (189)

Dick Cheney hunting
Drunkenly, he wheels around
Birdshot in the face (190)

A drunken shooter
Constitution in season
A drunken looter
All boozed up for treason. (191)

The Loaded Shotgun shoots; and, having shot,
Moves on: nor all thy silence nor spin shall lure it back to cancel half a Wound,
Nor all thy lies undo the crime of it. (192)

There once was a Dick with a sneer
Who liked to kill birds and drink beer
Though his aim was a shame, he deflected the blame:
"Go fuck yourself Harry, my dear" (193)

To "Duck"cheney we 're all quails.
Watch your back, face,neck and heart. (194)

Said Dick to the rest of the crew,
I like hunting these peasants, don't you?
And imagining the poor in his foyer,
he turned round and bagged him a lawyer. (195)

Richard Cheney went to Texas
To get away from dimwit,
Shot a rich guy in the face -
That's one more than the limit. (196)

As Cheney blasts lawyers
it's easy to tell;
that we fight for a Nation
gone blind as all hell. (197)

government privlege
our trust, honor, pride are gone
cheney owns the bank (198)

A Quail, A trail and some ice-cold ale
It's sunset and the air is freezin'
I flushed a covey, and as they flew above me
I bagged a lawyer, ooops, not in season! (199)

The sun was setting on the fields at a slow and saddened pace.
It shined its dying rays upon the man I shot in the face.
Did this involve some larger Godly message? I paused to think.
A metaphor for arrogance? Power and corruption? Naahh, let’s have a drink. (200)
And here's the nightly push for Ciro -- who, thanks to the efforts of everyone involved, has raised $136,000 through the internet. He started out with $43,000 to the DINO Cuellar's $292,000; we've given him a fighting chance (on this blog alone we've raised over $16,000 of that). Thanks to everyone. You can see his TV spot here, and as Kos notes, if you're thinking of giving more, now is a good time to do it -- money didn't pour into the Hackett campaign against Schmidt until the last minute and it was too late to make good use of it.

So if you'd like to express your appreciation for the progressive poets who have entertained you this evening, the tip jar is here.

Update: The WaPo blog is hopping once again. David E., Paul Lukasiak, Brad DeLong and others are swinging for the fences.

(graphic by Dark Black)